Crazy World

Every moment of weakness comes with it's reasons. Every fault has it's source. Every problem has it's own hard found solution. When you just can't take anymore and when it becomes hard to breathe, the only thing you can do is remember it's a wild world. I'm young, but I've seen a lot of what this world can do to people, and  all I can say is take care of yourself. Life is far too short and far too precious to live in fear, anger, regret, sadness, or depression. I never want to see these people around me sad, and if I could, I would take it all away. Bare the burden on my heart and let everyone be the care free child they would love to be. I'll always keep those moments in my heart. Remember those precious times that make your heart sing, because when your heart splits in two, you'll have nothing left to continue to love except for you.  For those I've hurt, I'm sorry. For those I've made happy, I'm so glad I could be that person for you. For those I've helped recognize love, I hope you never lose it, because it's the most important thing in this world. So when you feel weak, and you cannot take another step, remember those times. The past is not something to regret but to cherish for the lessons it taught you. It's a crazy, fucked up world out there. Don't ever let it get the better of you.

No More Bullshit *Very Explicit*

So I'm writing today to say what the fuck? When the hell did trying to be a good person become a bad thing? I swear, the next person that tells me I'm either too nice or too much of an asshole, I'm going to fucking light on fire. Who is anybody to tell me who I am and what I am? Typically, I think I'm a pretty decent human being. I actually give a flying fuck about other people, and I know this is a big shocker to those of you out there just drifting through this world, but caring used to be important! Since when did going the extra mile for someone make you stupid? You know, it wouldn't be so bad if there was actually some kind of mixture of people out there, but I can't seem to find a God damn difference in 95% of people. Why in this day and age should nice guys have to finish last anymore? Why do women always choose the worst person possible for them and latch on to them like they are fucking gold? It makes no damn sense. There are so many people out there  that would actually give a flying fuck about you and actually love you, yet continually I see this same fucking pattern of ignorance in mating choice. It's time to evolve women, it's time to learn that in this day and age, the jock, and the muscle heads are outdated. I am the future, I am the kind of fucking guy women should be flocking to, I can provide anything, everything, and more. So don't fucking tell me how too damn nice I am, because I will not sit here and take this bullshit anymore. I'm Kyle, and if you don't like it, shove it up your self righteous assholes. Take me for who I am or take me for nothing at all. People tell me to grow the fuck up, well here's me telling you to fuck off, each and every single one of you that think I'm anything less than an amazing person. I am a great person and will not tolerate being told anything else anymore. So if you think I'm too nice, fuck off. If you think I'm an asshole, fuck off. But if you actually want to get to know me and what I'm actually about, I welcome you with open arms and a big heart. 

So there it is people. Obviously this is not targeted at everyone that might happen upon this. I just had to get this shit off my chest. Anyways, I feel better now. 

“The 'not-giving-a-fuck' meter is as far into the red-zone as ever before.”

Cheers mates (those I have after this anyways),


Kyle

Forgiving the Seeminlgy Unforgivable

Man, oh man. The past couple of weeks have been a crazy time in my life. So much has happened, I'm not quite sure I've even fully processed everything. I'm recently finding out the I am a codependent individual, and I had no idea what that even meant before it was explained to me. Ahh, the curve balls life throws at you. Co-dependence from what I've read and talked with others about has quite a bit to do with not necessarily having a problem with someone else, but letting someone's problems change you, warp you. I'm now beginning to understand that my relationship that recently ended a couple of weeks ago had much less to do with anything I did, and much more to do with what I had completely stopped doing for myself. I had substituted taking care of myself for taking care of someone else. I completely forfeited my life in order to try and cater to someone that not only could not be helped by me, but did not want to be helped by me. I just kept thinking to myself though, "oh, if I just try a little harder" or "tomorrow she will understand what I've been saying." Well, low and behold, that time never came, no matter how hard I tried. It was hard to admit to myself, but it wasn't me that had failed. It's wasn't me that had messed up. It wasn't me that broke the camels back. When I finally started accepting what happened was not my fault, I began to think about what had happened and why, but still did not exactly understand. Then I met someone who is an amazing person that opened my eyes to what the truth of the situation really was. I was codependent, because I was sacrificing my own life, my own health, and my own happiness for someone that was never getting any better. So, we both suffered, her because she is mentally unwell, and me because I was trying to hold everything together with no support structure. I hated myself. I wondered why I had no confidence, I wondered why I overate, I wondered why no matter what I did, every day seemed to get worse than the next. It's funny, I always used to look in the mirror and see a monster nobody could ever love, much less myself. Now I look in the mirror and see a person I'm proud of, a person who is capable of anything, a person that is going in the right direction and one day will be exactly where they want to be. I'm definitely anything but perfect, but it feels good to know that every day I learn to love myself more, I'm only bringing myself closer to being with someone that truly loves me. You get what you put out into the world, and I believe if you want to attract positive people in your life, you need to act positive. When I was a kid, I didn't do this and it landed me in a place that I can honestly say now I did not want to be. Luckily, I've learned a valuable lesson and have already begun moving on. I don't feel like a creep anymore just trying to get by. No more putting forth the bare minimum, no more excuses for why I shouldn't do something I enjoy, and certainly no more holding myself back from the people I care about out of some kind of misguided conception that they will reject me for saying or doing certain things. You have to love yourself before you can share that love with someone else, and it's an amazing feeling to see not only my self image improving, but my respect for who I am growing. I will no longer be codependent. I will rely on who I am to be happy, and one day, I know I'll find someone that wants to share that happiness with me in a beautiful, positive way. So, I've forgiven the past and more importantly, myself. In life, it's never about the problems you have, but in how you deal with them. Now is my time to deal with mine in the best way I can.

"Sometimes what you want isn't always what you get, but in the end what you get is so much better than what you wanted."

There you go people, that's my life as of late. Take it for what you will. I'm happy either way.

Kyle