Man, oh man. The past couple of weeks have been a crazy time in my life. So much has happened, I'm not quite sure I've even fully processed everything. I'm recently finding out the I am a codependent individual, and I had no idea what that even meant before it was explained to me. Ahh, the curve balls life throws at you. Co-dependence from what I've read and talked with others about has quite a bit to do with not necessarily having a problem with someone else, but letting someone's problems change you, warp you. I'm now beginning to understand that my relationship that recently ended a couple of weeks ago had much less to do with anything I did, and much more to do with what I had completely stopped doing for myself. I had substituted taking care of myself for taking care of someone else. I completely forfeited my life in order to try and cater to someone that not only could not be helped by me, but did not want to be helped by me. I just kept thinking to myself though, "oh, if I just try a little harder" or "tomorrow she will understand what I've been saying." Well, low and behold, that time never came, no matter how hard I tried. It was hard to admit to myself, but it wasn't me that had failed. It's wasn't me that had messed up. It wasn't me that broke the camels back. When I finally started accepting what happened was not my fault, I began to think about what had happened and why, but still did not exactly understand. Then I met someone who is an amazing person that opened my eyes to what the truth of the situation really was. I was codependent, because I was sacrificing my own life, my own health, and my own happiness for someone that was never getting any better. So, we both suffered, her because she is mentally unwell, and me because I was trying to hold everything together with no support structure. I hated myself. I wondered why I had no confidence, I wondered why I overate, I wondered why no matter what I did, every day seemed to get worse than the next. It's funny, I always used to look in the mirror and see a monster nobody could ever love, much less myself. Now I look in the mirror and see a person I'm proud of, a person who is capable of anything, a person that is going in the right direction and one day will be exactly where they want to be. I'm definitely anything but perfect, but it feels good to know that every day I learn to love myself more, I'm only bringing myself closer to being with someone that truly loves me. You get what you put out into the world, and I believe if you want to attract positive people in your life, you need to act positive. When I was a kid, I didn't do this and it landed me in a place that I can honestly say now I did not want to be. Luckily, I've learned a valuable lesson and have already begun moving on. I don't feel like a creep anymore just trying to get by. No more putting forth the bare minimum, no more excuses for why I shouldn't do something I enjoy, and certainly no more holding myself back from the people I care about out of some kind of misguided conception that they will reject me for saying or doing certain things. You have to love yourself before you can share that love with someone else, and it's an amazing feeling to see not only my self image improving, but my respect for who I am growing. I will no longer be codependent. I will rely on who I am to be happy, and one day, I know I'll find someone that wants to share that happiness with me in a beautiful, positive way. So, I've forgiven the past and more importantly, myself. In life, it's never about the problems you have, but in how you deal with them. Now is my time to deal with mine in the best way I can.
"Sometimes what you want isn't always what you get, but in the end what you get is so much better than what you wanted."
There you go people, that's my life as of late. Take it for what you will. I'm happy either way.
Kyle
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