Revoked

My heart sits, a hole punched through;
A dark grey ball falls to the floor.
Lifeless I sit and stare,
My body there, my mind elsewhere.

The light flickering in my eyes,
violent words begin to chastise.
Rebuke my new found confidence,
nothing now provides me solace.

The mind slowly freezes and condenses,
leaving no room left for emotion.
Thus the heart carves out of itself,
this ball of happiness and deep set devotion.

So I sit here and stare at this flickering screen,
wondering if I should just be content to dream.
Lips sealed shut, eyes sad and heavy;
my feeling revoked by a hefty levy.
I'll be on my way, with heart in hand.
Letting my legs take me where I'm allowed to stand. 

One Year Hence

Once upon a time, young and numb;
we found a love, a song unsung.
Our ignorance a happy bliss,
all bred from one awkward kiss.

I valiantly fought the power that be,
sadly far too kind to truly see.
The serpentine that crept beaneath,
enough to make any man grind his teeth.

At best, you've become a parasite;
your poison creeps, to slowly paralyze.
Your plan is quite clear now,
it's almost time for you to take a bow.

Year by year, you become more unraveled;
you look at me with eyes quite baffled. 
One can not help who they love,
and to you, ours one to be disposed of.

Only a matter of time till we run out of it;
your kiss now deeply corrodes my spirit. 
Young lovers broken by a stark reality,
finally separated by a simple formality. 

Now you run to a new man's arms,
not knowing how your disdain harms.
The blame placed solely upon my head,
leaving only feelings of awful dread.

It's been almost a year since that time,
and I've all but yet come into my prime.
No, there is no regret for times past;
for I've found peace with another at last.

If I were to tell that girl one simple thing,
it's that I no longer feel her sting.
The venom has ceased to course throughout;
I have nothing left about myself to doubt.

So, I hope you have found your happiness,
and that your life is void of past ghastliness.
I have broken the shackles that bound my heart,
and I look forward to making my new start. 

Today, Tears. Tomorrow, Happiness. Always, Love.

Lay down your head young one,
and forget the woes of today.
So Lay your head down young one,
and clear your heart of old decay.

Close your heavy eyes beautiful,
your memories not your foe now.
So close your heavy eyes beautiful,
for sleep will bring you one day closer.

Dream sweetly now my aching love,
for you will find my smiling face there.
So dream sweetly now my aching love,
so you do not see me fill with tears.

Breath deeply, keeper of my heart,
I will catch you as you fall to the ground.
So breath deeply, keeper of my heart,
and let reality slip away from your mind.

Wake up now sweetheart, it's a new day.
Let me show you your writing on my wall.
So wake up now sweetheart, it's a new day.
My arms are where you can now stay.

Smile that amazing smile of yours darling,
no one else wishes to strip you away.
So smile that amazing smile of yours darling,
because now we have a new life to imagine.

A Short Testimony to My Life.

We all have those nights; those nights we sit up and think about life and how things have happened up to this point. Those nights when we should be sleeping or working on something that should've been done a couple days ago. The mind can't help but wander though, can't help but drift to the things in life we truly worry about, but are so afraid of, we try to keep buried away. Now, I am not a man to profess regret for anything I've done, nor will I ever. What I will say though, is that I often become a mess over things that seem so simple. These "issues", so clear cut and dry, plague my mind like a thousand shouting voices, making it impossible to think, impossible to function, impossible to even breath. I sit alone, watching the time flicker by on my old LED alarm clock, one minute, two minutes, three. The clock keeps on ticking, just as my heart keeps beating, and my mind keeps clicking.

 My life, a culmination of hard work and poor decisions, has amounted to something of a distressful situation. No, I am not destitute, nor am I burdened by mental or physical disability. No, it's much more complicated than something as easily explainable as these. Have you ever gotten that feeling, that feeling when you look outside and think the world is out to get you? Like you have committed some heinous crime and it's only a matter of time until you are put out to dry? This is my constant state of fear, always wondering when the next date of my contempt will be set. I gaze out of my blinds, sneaky eyes constantly surveying the familiar surroundings. Oh! How I despise this place, this place of my confinement. No, it is not my place of residents that I loathe, but the state of mind within which I dwell. Like a paranoid schizophrenic, I quietly ponder what life's next play against me will be. Yet, I regret nothing and believe myself a strong man, hiding those awful thoughts away, walking that tight rope like I have learned so well to.

Thinking back to the past, I think about the love made and lost, the friendship cultivated and abandoned, and the happiness as it came and went.  What do I make of it? What can I make of it? As genuine of a person as I've always tried to be, the poison of others has always managed to work it's way in. I feel the venom as it courses through my veins, reminding me of every friend I was abandoned by, every person who took advantage of me, and most of all, everyone who has dangled love in my face and has broken my heart. No, I suppose I'm not like most men. I have feeling and I do care to express them. Does that make me any less of a man? I don't believe so. I bleed like you bleed, hurt like you hurt, and most of all, I'm just trying to find my place in this world, just like everyone else. I do believe that people's pasts will come back to haunt them, and maybe that is the case for myself as well. I am by no manner, a saint, nor do I try to act like I deserve any special treatment. In the same respect, I try to be a genuinely good person at every turn, and I feel like life scoffs at me about such things. Although, every once in a while, life rewards me for my overabundance of good deeds, even if it's only ever so slightly.

Surprises always confound me, for what I have no time to prepare for, I often get taken aback to the point of feeling disillusioned. Today, a figure walked up to me, something I dismissed as a mirage of sorts, thinking myself just too tired to to fully comprehend my surroundings. As I looked away and looked back again, the image of this now increasingly recognizable person started to run towards me, a giant smile upon their face. Did my eyes deceive me? Could I be dreaming? No, this.. this was real, as real as the surrounding sights and sounds I was all too accustom to. Instantly I jumped to my feet and greeted into my arms, someone I felt like I had not seen for many lifetimes. As much as I wanted to let loose a heavy flow of tears at that moment, I choked them all back, and settled for a meeting of our lips, something that seemed so natural, a perfect fit as it were. Then, questions proceeded to flow from my mouth like a never ending waterfall. Ever vigilant, my love just smiled and beckoned me to walk with her, take her to a quiet location where we could shut out the surrounding world. We did just this, and there we sat, like two people who had seen a ghost, but could not have been any happier. For a short time, life was conversed between many long needed expressions of love and compassion. The time ticked away though, all too fast, like it always does. Once again, we were on our feet, walking to the location where we would part ways. Choking back hard emotions once more, I said my goodbyes between long, passionate kisses. In one last, desperate embrace, I picked her up fully off the ground in my arms and kissed her as I dangled her in the air, wanting to never let go. Alas, I was made to go my own way after taking one last look into her eyes, my footsteps heavy, I slowly walked away, my legs felt like they were filled with iron. With hope instilled in my mind, I assured myself everything would be fine. For, I was always one to believe in love conquering all things, I had no doubt things would work out for the best.

So, I sit here and write my feelings about life and who I am. No, I'm not perfect and no, I'm not always ready to face what reality has to offer, yet I continue to push forward. Love is my guide and my soul pushes forward to greet the next day, come whatever may.

The Love of His Punching Bag

Beating the listlessness from his soul,
the heavy bag swings back and forth.
Blood spewed across it's broken hide;
the seams tearing with each mighty blow.

No protective wrap ever necessary,
he does not fight with prepared fists.
So the blood flows down the knuckles,
the sound of droplets hitting the ground.

No rage can be found in this contest;
only solace taken in this self invoked act.
Memories of the past break the heart,
while scarred fists strike blow after blow.

No, this contestant will never speak a word;
nor will it ever tire or turn tale.
The only unfaltering  friend ever had.
Most likely the only he will ever know. 

Tears do not fall in spite of feelings pent up.
Eyes begging for love, only to bring anger.
Oh! What has become of this man?
His bag and him, fighting to no real end.

His only outlet for the emotional pain,
the physical strain against this battered ally.
Thus he welcomes it with closed fists
and a heart of cold, forlorn disdain.

Only when he has beaten every emotion out,
and discharged all feelings of rage,
does he give his beaten friend a moment.
This moment in reality for the aggressor.

Thus, the bag hangs in desolate darkness,
in wait of the next session of sentimental brutality.
His wounds healed as temporarily as his heart.
His punching bag falling apart on the outside,
just as he is falling apart on the inside.
The crushing shadows consuming them both.

. 

The Mask of Happiness

Drifting along, this life seems all too plain.
Happiness with love, all for shame.
The sounds of a voice calling out to me,
making me stop and lift my mask for a better view.

The monsters of the mind stagger my movement,
emotions breaking through the dam of mental capacity.
Foggy thoughts pursue my calmer senses,
my heart swelling from a crippling sickness.

A broken legend standing upon a cliff of ashes,
an old phoenix with it's wings clipped.
A place once beautiful, torn by anger and hate.
The old bird dives into the abyss to be reborn.

Day by day, I find myself shuffling through reality.
A playful facade of health and happiness,
hiding true feelings like a cheerful mask.
More like waiting, and hoping to take true form.

Now I walk, waiting for my love to come.
Trying to find a balance between emotion and thought.
Although left behind, not left for good.
Remembering the song composed by my name.

I bite my tongue and wait in silent solitude,
longing to hear the words I so dearly miss.
As farfetched as my feelings may be,
They continue to leave my mind too clouded to see.

Until love reigns me in once again, I dawn this mask.
Only a shell now, my empire once standing tall.
I crumble deep inside, the ashes of my life flutter about.
Sadness gone, for I have my mask, and it has me.

As Fragile as We are Strong

Consoleing the inconsolable,
reach your hand out and hold tight.
Fragile is the life given to thee.

Broken hearts clouding minds.
Close your eyes and rest now,
time heals all wounds.

Remember who they were,
forget the reasons for the passing.
A great man standing tall in your heart.

Now lay your head down child,
forget the horrific event of life unfolded.
He walks along side you now. 

Let me provide you with sanctuary,
sanctuary from the world and it's hurt.
The heart is bruised but not broken.

Rebuild yourself upon his memory,
the memory of his love, strength, and happiness.
For he is beside you, rooting for you.

For life is fragile as he knows.
No atonement need be given.
Live to carry him forward with you.

Now we mourn, and rightly so.
But tomorrow is a new day,
Bright, beautiful, and full of promise.

As our hearts mend, he walks beside.
As we grow, he oversees.
For all we doubt, he knows.

Pour out thy soul now,
for a new day is around the corner.
He's watching in anticipation of your life.


It's beyond me to be able to put any form of death into words, god knows I've seen too much of it. It is part of the human condition, as much as we struggle to get away from it. We must hold our loved ones tight and cherish our time together. Never take the people in your life for granted, every second with them is a precious one. Although I never got to meet the man I wrote this poem about, I know he was a great person. He took care of someone close to my heart and furthermore, put a smile on her face. Life can be tragic, tears roll down my face even as I type; but we must remember the good times and realize that there is always something to be taken out of every situation we encounter in life. As broken hearted as many people are because of this tragic event taking away a life, he is with you. Everyone who has ever had the pleasure to be a part of this man's life, he will always be with you. As everyone mourns in  the days to come, we must remember to think of him as he was. There's no greater compliment to the life of any individual but to be remembered for being a great person. Love, cherish, and keep him close to your hearts, for no one can ever take that away from you.

My deepest condolences to everyone of the family, I wish I had more than these words to give you.

Kyle 

Essence of New Love

Breaking the shell of new love,
her heart more precious than any stone.
Embodiment of what a beautiful soul consists of.

Sparkling eyes looking to the sky above,
flowing hair gently blowing in the breeze,
breaking the shell of new love.

A well of intelligence to be proud of,
Her mind of major contribution;
Embodiment of what a beautiful soul consists of. 

Happiness flowing purely like a white dove,
So indifferent to the voices of anyone but him and her.
Breaking the shell of new love.

Our hands fit together like a perfect glove,
as we walk down this new road together, becoming the
embodiment of what a beautiful soul consists of.

Oh what is this, this thing we call love?
That guy, this girl, in a less than perfect world.
Breaking the shell of new love,
embodiment of what a beautiful soul consist of.

Our Lovely Little Triolets

Love's Road

The shining beauty of souls entranced,
graceful love of two at last.
Breaking the bind of which chains confined:
The shining beauty of souls entranced.
As often partners come and go,
true love will always show:
The shining beauty of souls entranced,
graceful love of two at last.


A Touch of Light in the Darkness

Your touch so simple and elegant,
drives away the twilight blackness.
Wiping the tears away as they cascade,
your touch so simple and elegant.
Although you had me at a glance,
only one thing truly put me at ease.
Your touch so simple and elegant,
drives away the twilight blackness.


The Heart Confused Mind

Hearts not as simple as black and white,
wrong or right our life for it to guide.
Heads hang heavy with decisions made;
hearts not as simple as black and white.
You can plead with all your might,
but it will not change the human plight.
Hearts not as simple as black and white,
wrong or right our life for it to guide.


When She Smiles

Smile that lovely smile to the sky,
your beauty brings a tear to my eye.
Perfection wrapped up so uniquely,
smile that lovely smile to the sky.
Your demeanor so quaint in my eyes.
To my heart you are quite the prize.
Smile that lovely smile to the sky,
your beauty brings a tear to my eye.

Steadfast Love

A heart forged of beauty, a past of pain.
Passion within her unyielding soul,
lighting the stars in the night sky.
An unrivaled bard of love,
her sweet song plays through him.
Burdened souls no longer.
Oh so inclined
to find love
inside
him.
Her
face lights
as he shows
true compassion.
Are these feelings real?
Love possible again.
Cheeks flow red with happiness,
could this be her knight here at last?
Both of their souls together so fast.
True unity stands tall, all pain subsides. 

Life Cycle

Breaking into the world, we cry.
Never get a chance to learn to fly.
Instinctual notions beaten in and out;
their minds scream and shout.

Roll over, take a step.
Move closer to where the secrets are kept.
Mommy and Daddy are so proud;
yet they are just another face in the crowd.

Older now, school calls their name.
No, things will never be the same.
Social infrastructure now instated. 
Healthy growth sadly belated.

Growing older still, awkward times ahead.
Things are changing, everything they ever fretted.
Move up on the list or far  down.
Avoid the beatings and don't make a sound.

Finally, they grow into their prime.
All they say is, it's about damn time.
Not everything is so great though,
One step away from an all time low.

Mid life is here, it came so fast.
The only thing they think about is the past.
Body breaking down and mind decaying;
So much self hating.

The twilight has come, are they ready?
Barely able anymore to stand up steady.
Their world a relic of the past.
Sweet release to come at last.

Back into the abyss, life was so fast.
No longer caring about the past.
Life wasn't what they though it would be.
Still, a beautiful scene to see.

In This City

It rains on this city;
this city full of whimsical disguise.
These masks become their face,
their face an unhappy compromise.
These strangers walk right by.
Are they real or are they alone?
The silhouettes of love shown on the blinds,
lust playing the bigger part in that scene.
The unequivocal truth of loneliness rears it's head.
Transient women the only embrace known.
This city is crumbling at it's citizens feet;
The city trampled upon by the uncaring.
No god governs these people.
These animals run off of pure instinct.
Innocence stripped from the young,
the continuation of a viscous cycle.
Drowning in this city,
this city of poison dreams.

The Passing Glance

A slip of the tongue brings about the upward shift of his lips.
Not expecting anymore than a hi and a passing glance.
But that glance turned into an awkward stare,
something more than what they might have expected.

They converse openly and freely, who could this person be?
Her face heats up, the signs of of happiness flooding her cheeks;
he laughs more than he had in months, hearts fluttering away.
One day feels like a lifetime, what is this feeling?

He asks maybe, baby, we could meet?
She says yes, excitement filling her eyes.
Both asking themselves, who is this person?
They may be young, but they know when they see a good thing comin'.

Each word like a beautiful new story,
there is something unique about these two.
He's not your average joe;
she's not your barbie queen.

A man with a heart, born of chivalry and burdened with the past.
A woman with country charm, sweet as can be, the past scarring as well.
Could this be what she was coming to find?
Might this be what he's been waiting for?

They say love is only true in story books and fairy tales,
souls never as genuine as seen on the silver screen.
There is something different about these two though.
Something real between this pair.

He's known false love for far too long;
she's known just the same and wants more.
She says this feels genuine, like it was meant to be.
He says he couldn't agree more.

Could it be, this passing glance, changed into something more?
A happenstance greeting from him,
An excited response from her.
Could this really have sparked so much more?

Their eyes meet, embarrassed at first. 
He says hi and she says hello back.
Conversation catches on quickly between the two.
Their hands meeting along the way.

The sun sets on their path as they walk.
His fingers intertwine with hers.
Finding a grassy place to sit, she laughs at his dumb jokes.
He looks at her, her at him.

Now the sun is gone, but the spark is bright.
She turns to him, him to her.
She closes her eyes and moves her head towards his.
Their lips meet in sensual silence, no words are necessary. 

A passing glance,
a few words chanced,
a night out,
love is sparked.

The Infection of Ideals

A playful facade of health and happiness,
disease and corruption breed just under the skin.
With each step you spread plague and lies;
your decrepit smile as enticing to people as sugar to flies.  

You spread your propaganda like a disease,
tainting and turning loved ones against each other with ease.
Feed on their flesh and alleged misconceptions;
fates are sealed within this unholy redemption.

Slandering truth with your pretty lies.
Break down youth before they even open their eyes.
This infection spreading far and wide,
yet those immune all seem so snide.

Bloody tears cascade down your face,
the infection is growing in pace.
You say you are happy but we know better;
this disease has consumed you all together..

Breaking the Bottle

Drink soberly to escape our fates,
the cavalry come to strike with haste.
Drunk on insecurity and self pity,
We wash and wash but still remain dirty.
Drain the pain away with each swig,
foolish wills snapped in half like a twig.
Each shot stings less than the last,
but comes with a solemn reminder of the past.
Playing pretend in this world all too real;
Numb to all emotion, too cold to feel.
Eyes growing ever heavy,
Tears filling the dry levee.
Our fates have met us at the door,
Stricken down with a loud thunk to the floor.
Opening your eyes, looking up one last time,
the bottle stares back; the only tool of this crime.

Ode to Your Tainted Beauty

When you scream inside and out
the pain washes off your beauty.
You leave life out of the equation
and only worry about selfish propensity.
Searching for your hero,
but what you missed is the villains shadow you cast.
Deserving of nothing but sadness,
trusting in your emptiness to keep you sane.
Love, love, love; oh you silly child.
Love never comes to the inherently wicked.
You talk of excuse and innocence,
the makeup won't cover this up though my dear.
Constantly running through my head,
this black abyss you have put me in.
No matter what you say,
loneliness is the only thing that accompanies your "love".
Bathing in tears,
the screams continue.
This is an ode to your tainted beauty,
lest you forget who you truly are.

Bar Poetry: Haiku Edition

Windswept Parchment

Petals flowing softly,
ink fills the parchment;
silent songs release.

Mossy Graves

Splintering oaks reside,
heroic graves stand still.
Flowers wither.

Wanderers Way

Trails to nowhere collide.
The dead's regrowth,
gnarled souls rejoice.

Silence of War

Crickets sing in silence,
breeze instrumental.
Blood drenched plains now lone.

Twilight Till Dawn

Tides in serenity,
the hour grows late.
Till light dawns once more.

Doditsu's of Lament

Flow of the Heart-

Water flows like love sincere.
Forget me not my sweet dear.
Broken lives we may now live.
Continuous flow.

Dark Gray Plague-

Copious tears plague thy soul.
Forgotten touch condemns us.
The mind mends slowly with time.
The heart stays dark grey.

Warmth of Summer, Broken Winter Cold-

The leaves fall and brush the ground.
Break under dull, heavy feet.
Flourished love of summer gone.
Hearts as broken leaves.

Crashing Waves-

Meshing spray of lonesome tides.
Waves do crash as tears confide.
The shore afar, as true love.
Water still, souls cry.

Tarnished Lovers

Breaking down the barriers,
of lovers become enemies.
Love of the forsaken,
the flames of hate ablaze.
Drink the fire water.
Tarnished souls awaken.

Breaking down the barriers,
fear controlling our minds.
Eager eyes fall upon the broken,
no longer filled with emotion.
Hatred flows within your gaze.
Tarnished souls awaken.

Breaking down the barriers,
oh how scarred your soul sits.
Falling back to hold yourself upright,
a heart severed controlling your plight.
Tears remain stagnant.
Tarnished souls awaken.

Breaking down the barriers,
the holy man prays for you now.
A lack of guidance diminishes might,
due diligence releasing the light.
Pain reminding us we still feel.
Tarnished souls awaken.

Breaking down the barriers,
the sickness we created laughing now.
You cling at threads,
while I tie the noose.
The tables have turned.
Tarnished souls awaken.

Breaking down the barriers,
everything has changed now.
But a shell we are,
love bled from the soul.
We will both stay waiting.
Our tarnished souls have awakened. 

Trying to Find a Paradise While Looking Through the Lens of a Broken Heart

Have you ever gone for one of those walks at night, out in nowhere-ville suburbia, trying to find the answers to the questions of your life in the clear night sky? The universe seems so big, and you, so insignificant. Who are you to complain about loves lost and past regrets? Who are you at all? Do you belong here, and if so, someone, anyone, anything, let me know why.

Let me tell you something; this is my everyday reality. I'm no one special and am not as unique as I'd like to think I am. I like to think I'm different than everyone else, but through the harshness of time, maturity, and reality, I've found that I'm just trying to get through life with as few scars as possible, just like everyone else. We're all searching for our paradise, our garden, our Heaven, or place in the universe where we fit into the puzzle, just like we were meant to be there all along. This, for someone like me, is almost an unattainable goal, and I'll tell you why.

Have you ever been putting together a cardboard puzzle and found that a piece was bent, cut, broken, misshapen, etc..? That is how I feel constantly as I drift through each day, just trying to function enough to get by and give people the illusion that everything is going to be okay. I'll let you in on a little insider tip: nothing is okay, not one damn thing. Now Kyle, they say, you don't have it all that bad, look at all things you have in your life. To this, I will agree to, to an extent. I do have a good family, a good head on my shoulders, and a good circumstance school and work wise. The problem with all of this though, is that when you feel depressed and forsaken on a daily basis, it all falls to the way side. I'm sure I would be in some deep, dark hell if I didn't have the things that I do have, so don't get me wrong, I do appreciate all of it, and do my best to not let it go unnoticed. My question is, when will it stop being about sheer survival, and become about the pursuit of my own version of what I would consider happiness/paradise on this rock we live on?

Ahh, the morbidity of it all! Am I such a waste of space that I'm destined to live as this depressed shell of a man? I've learned full well that you cannot readily show these kind of emotions to most people, which is why I'm writing on here. I know most people could care less about the things I write in this blog, so I figured, why not pour out my overflowing emotions all over the keyboard.

Anyways, I've said more or less what I wanted to say. I know, none of this was probably interesting to read at all, but I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't do something. Maybe I'll get some inspiration to write something more entertaining later today.

Crazy World

Every moment of weakness comes with it's reasons. Every fault has it's source. Every problem has it's own hard found solution. When you just can't take anymore and when it becomes hard to breathe, the only thing you can do is remember it's a wild world. I'm young, but I've seen a lot of what this world can do to people, and  all I can say is take care of yourself. Life is far too short and far too precious to live in fear, anger, regret, sadness, or depression. I never want to see these people around me sad, and if I could, I would take it all away. Bare the burden on my heart and let everyone be the care free child they would love to be. I'll always keep those moments in my heart. Remember those precious times that make your heart sing, because when your heart splits in two, you'll have nothing left to continue to love except for you.  For those I've hurt, I'm sorry. For those I've made happy, I'm so glad I could be that person for you. For those I've helped recognize love, I hope you never lose it, because it's the most important thing in this world. So when you feel weak, and you cannot take another step, remember those times. The past is not something to regret but to cherish for the lessons it taught you. It's a crazy, fucked up world out there. Don't ever let it get the better of you.

No More Bullshit *Very Explicit*

So I'm writing today to say what the fuck? When the hell did trying to be a good person become a bad thing? I swear, the next person that tells me I'm either too nice or too much of an asshole, I'm going to fucking light on fire. Who is anybody to tell me who I am and what I am? Typically, I think I'm a pretty decent human being. I actually give a flying fuck about other people, and I know this is a big shocker to those of you out there just drifting through this world, but caring used to be important! Since when did going the extra mile for someone make you stupid? You know, it wouldn't be so bad if there was actually some kind of mixture of people out there, but I can't seem to find a God damn difference in 95% of people. Why in this day and age should nice guys have to finish last anymore? Why do women always choose the worst person possible for them and latch on to them like they are fucking gold? It makes no damn sense. There are so many people out there  that would actually give a flying fuck about you and actually love you, yet continually I see this same fucking pattern of ignorance in mating choice. It's time to evolve women, it's time to learn that in this day and age, the jock, and the muscle heads are outdated. I am the future, I am the kind of fucking guy women should be flocking to, I can provide anything, everything, and more. So don't fucking tell me how too damn nice I am, because I will not sit here and take this bullshit anymore. I'm Kyle, and if you don't like it, shove it up your self righteous assholes. Take me for who I am or take me for nothing at all. People tell me to grow the fuck up, well here's me telling you to fuck off, each and every single one of you that think I'm anything less than an amazing person. I am a great person and will not tolerate being told anything else anymore. So if you think I'm too nice, fuck off. If you think I'm an asshole, fuck off. But if you actually want to get to know me and what I'm actually about, I welcome you with open arms and a big heart. 

So there it is people. Obviously this is not targeted at everyone that might happen upon this. I just had to get this shit off my chest. Anyways, I feel better now. 

“The 'not-giving-a-fuck' meter is as far into the red-zone as ever before.”

Cheers mates (those I have after this anyways),


Kyle

Forgiving the Seeminlgy Unforgivable

Man, oh man. The past couple of weeks have been a crazy time in my life. So much has happened, I'm not quite sure I've even fully processed everything. I'm recently finding out the I am a codependent individual, and I had no idea what that even meant before it was explained to me. Ahh, the curve balls life throws at you. Co-dependence from what I've read and talked with others about has quite a bit to do with not necessarily having a problem with someone else, but letting someone's problems change you, warp you. I'm now beginning to understand that my relationship that recently ended a couple of weeks ago had much less to do with anything I did, and much more to do with what I had completely stopped doing for myself. I had substituted taking care of myself for taking care of someone else. I completely forfeited my life in order to try and cater to someone that not only could not be helped by me, but did not want to be helped by me. I just kept thinking to myself though, "oh, if I just try a little harder" or "tomorrow she will understand what I've been saying." Well, low and behold, that time never came, no matter how hard I tried. It was hard to admit to myself, but it wasn't me that had failed. It's wasn't me that had messed up. It wasn't me that broke the camels back. When I finally started accepting what happened was not my fault, I began to think about what had happened and why, but still did not exactly understand. Then I met someone who is an amazing person that opened my eyes to what the truth of the situation really was. I was codependent, because I was sacrificing my own life, my own health, and my own happiness for someone that was never getting any better. So, we both suffered, her because she is mentally unwell, and me because I was trying to hold everything together with no support structure. I hated myself. I wondered why I had no confidence, I wondered why I overate, I wondered why no matter what I did, every day seemed to get worse than the next. It's funny, I always used to look in the mirror and see a monster nobody could ever love, much less myself. Now I look in the mirror and see a person I'm proud of, a person who is capable of anything, a person that is going in the right direction and one day will be exactly where they want to be. I'm definitely anything but perfect, but it feels good to know that every day I learn to love myself more, I'm only bringing myself closer to being with someone that truly loves me. You get what you put out into the world, and I believe if you want to attract positive people in your life, you need to act positive. When I was a kid, I didn't do this and it landed me in a place that I can honestly say now I did not want to be. Luckily, I've learned a valuable lesson and have already begun moving on. I don't feel like a creep anymore just trying to get by. No more putting forth the bare minimum, no more excuses for why I shouldn't do something I enjoy, and certainly no more holding myself back from the people I care about out of some kind of misguided conception that they will reject me for saying or doing certain things. You have to love yourself before you can share that love with someone else, and it's an amazing feeling to see not only my self image improving, but my respect for who I am growing. I will no longer be codependent. I will rely on who I am to be happy, and one day, I know I'll find someone that wants to share that happiness with me in a beautiful, positive way. So, I've forgiven the past and more importantly, myself. In life, it's never about the problems you have, but in how you deal with them. Now is my time to deal with mine in the best way I can.

"Sometimes what you want isn't always what you get, but in the end what you get is so much better than what you wanted."

There you go people, that's my life as of late. Take it for what you will. I'm happy either way.

Kyle