Trying to Find a Paradise While Looking Through the Lens of a Broken Heart

Have you ever gone for one of those walks at night, out in nowhere-ville suburbia, trying to find the answers to the questions of your life in the clear night sky? The universe seems so big, and you, so insignificant. Who are you to complain about loves lost and past regrets? Who are you at all? Do you belong here, and if so, someone, anyone, anything, let me know why.

Let me tell you something; this is my everyday reality. I'm no one special and am not as unique as I'd like to think I am. I like to think I'm different than everyone else, but through the harshness of time, maturity, and reality, I've found that I'm just trying to get through life with as few scars as possible, just like everyone else. We're all searching for our paradise, our garden, our Heaven, or place in the universe where we fit into the puzzle, just like we were meant to be there all along. This, for someone like me, is almost an unattainable goal, and I'll tell you why.

Have you ever been putting together a cardboard puzzle and found that a piece was bent, cut, broken, misshapen, etc..? That is how I feel constantly as I drift through each day, just trying to function enough to get by and give people the illusion that everything is going to be okay. I'll let you in on a little insider tip: nothing is okay, not one damn thing. Now Kyle, they say, you don't have it all that bad, look at all things you have in your life. To this, I will agree to, to an extent. I do have a good family, a good head on my shoulders, and a good circumstance school and work wise. The problem with all of this though, is that when you feel depressed and forsaken on a daily basis, it all falls to the way side. I'm sure I would be in some deep, dark hell if I didn't have the things that I do have, so don't get me wrong, I do appreciate all of it, and do my best to not let it go unnoticed. My question is, when will it stop being about sheer survival, and become about the pursuit of my own version of what I would consider happiness/paradise on this rock we live on?

Ahh, the morbidity of it all! Am I such a waste of space that I'm destined to live as this depressed shell of a man? I've learned full well that you cannot readily show these kind of emotions to most people, which is why I'm writing on here. I know most people could care less about the things I write in this blog, so I figured, why not pour out my overflowing emotions all over the keyboard.

Anyways, I've said more or less what I wanted to say. I know, none of this was probably interesting to read at all, but I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't do something. Maybe I'll get some inspiration to write something more entertaining later today.