We all have those nights; those nights we sit up and think about life and how things have happened up to this point. Those nights when we should be sleeping or working on something that should've been done a couple days ago. The mind can't help but wander though, can't help but drift to the things in life we truly worry about, but are so afraid of, we try to keep buried away. Now, I am not a man to profess regret for anything I've done, nor will I ever. What I will say though, is that I often become a mess over things that seem so simple. These "issues", so clear cut and dry, plague my mind like a thousand shouting voices, making it impossible to think, impossible to function, impossible to even breath. I sit alone, watching the time flicker by on my old LED alarm clock, one minute, two minutes, three. The clock keeps on ticking, just as my heart keeps beating, and my mind keeps clicking.
My life, a culmination of hard work and poor decisions, has amounted to something of a distressful situation. No, I am not destitute, nor am I burdened by mental or physical disability. No, it's much more complicated than something as easily explainable as these. Have you ever gotten that feeling, that feeling when you look outside and think the world is out to get you? Like you have committed some heinous crime and it's only a matter of time until you are put out to dry? This is my constant state of fear, always wondering when the next date of my contempt will be set. I gaze out of my blinds, sneaky eyes constantly surveying the familiar surroundings. Oh! How I despise this place, this place of my confinement. No, it is not my place of residents that I loathe, but the state of mind within which I dwell. Like a paranoid schizophrenic, I quietly ponder what life's next play against me will be. Yet, I regret nothing and believe myself a strong man, hiding those awful thoughts away, walking that tight rope like I have learned so well to.
Thinking back to the past, I think about the love made and lost, the friendship cultivated and abandoned, and the happiness as it came and went. What do I make of it? What can I make of it? As genuine of a person as I've always tried to be, the poison of others has always managed to work it's way in. I feel the venom as it courses through my veins, reminding me of every friend I was abandoned by, every person who took advantage of me, and most of all, everyone who has dangled love in my face and has broken my heart. No, I suppose I'm not like most men. I have feeling and I do care to express them. Does that make me any less of a man? I don't believe so. I bleed like you bleed, hurt like you hurt, and most of all, I'm just trying to find my place in this world, just like everyone else. I do believe that people's pasts will come back to haunt them, and maybe that is the case for myself as well. I am by no manner, a saint, nor do I try to act like I deserve any special treatment. In the same respect, I try to be a genuinely good person at every turn, and I feel like life scoffs at me about such things. Although, every once in a while, life rewards me for my overabundance of good deeds, even if it's only ever so slightly.
Surprises always confound me, for what I have no time to prepare for, I often get taken aback to the point of feeling disillusioned. Today, a figure walked up to me, something I dismissed as a mirage of sorts, thinking myself just too tired to to fully comprehend my surroundings. As I looked away and looked back again, the image of this now increasingly recognizable person started to run towards me, a giant smile upon their face. Did my eyes deceive me? Could I be dreaming? No, this.. this was real, as real as the surrounding sights and sounds I was all too accustom to. Instantly I jumped to my feet and greeted into my arms, someone I felt like I had not seen for many lifetimes. As much as I wanted to let loose a heavy flow of tears at that moment, I choked them all back, and settled for a meeting of our lips, something that seemed so natural, a perfect fit as it were. Then, questions proceeded to flow from my mouth like a never ending waterfall. Ever vigilant, my love just smiled and beckoned me to walk with her, take her to a quiet location where we could shut out the surrounding world. We did just this, and there we sat, like two people who had seen a ghost, but could not have been any happier. For a short time, life was conversed between many long needed expressions of love and compassion. The time ticked away though, all too fast, like it always does. Once again, we were on our feet, walking to the location where we would part ways. Choking back hard emotions once more, I said my goodbyes between long, passionate kisses. In one last, desperate embrace, I picked her up fully off the ground in my arms and kissed her as I dangled her in the air, wanting to never let go. Alas, I was made to go my own way after taking one last look into her eyes, my footsteps heavy, I slowly walked away, my legs felt like they were filled with iron. With hope instilled in my mind, I assured myself everything would be fine. For, I was always one to believe in love conquering all things, I had no doubt things would work out for the best.
So, I sit here and write my feelings about life and who I am. No, I'm not perfect and no, I'm not always ready to face what reality has to offer, yet I continue to push forward. Love is my guide and my soul pushes forward to greet the next day, come whatever may.
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