Sometimes We all Feel a Bit Unsure

When unsure of something, it's easy to become frustrated.
When frustrated, assumptions begin to form.
Assumptions fueled by confusion and frustration are almost always negative.
As the mind fills with negativity, the heart grows heavy.
When the heart becomes too heavy, hope begins to dwindle.
Once the last shred of hope dissipates, the drive to care fades.
Once there is no reason to care, the mind becomes jaded.
Once jaded, the mind severs it's connection to the heart.
As the mind is freed from emotional persuasion, the heart can no longer assume.
Since the heart can no longer assume, the mind begins to reason.
Through reason, the answer begins to form.
As the answer becomes clear, the frustration dissipates.
When frustrated no more, the answer can be embraced.
After embracing the answer, the reason for being unsure is exposed:
The answer was known from the start, but the mind became blinded by the heart.

The morosely comical thing is that although the heart blinded the mind, it is ultimately the only thing that will allow the truth to be seen once broken and battered enough. As we blind ourselves to the answers we already know in an attempt to keep from being wounded, we unknowingly begin the process of hurting ourselves until the blindfold upon the mind is finally lifted. The heart cannot protect the mind, nor the mind the heart. The only way to truly come away unscathed is to stop attempting to find reasons for why something is and just accept the fact that it is. Pondering upon the things you cannot change does nothing but break you down and turn you into a bitter person that will always be searching for an answer to something that does not exist. When unsure in life, the best thing to do is to leave what you want out of the equation and embrace what is. Once this can be accomplished, you will never be left unsatisfied again.

-Kyle

Putting the Pieces Together

He sits there, precariously edging towards the abandonment of his own mind.

Striving for the subjective rights, while attempting to stray from the universal wrongs.

Looking back within his mind reveals a boy from the past clinging on to the present.

All but beginning to question who he was, who he is, and who he will become.

Luminescent bulbs flickering on and off as to say he isn’t wholly safe here.

Not quite afraid of the change of scenery, but petrified of the change of minds.

A faux pas between close friends leading to a fatal doubt permeating from inside out.

Past times seeming like separate lifetimes, memories too surreal to forget.

A pitiful union of heart and mind progressively worsening while trudging onward.

Standing upon the foundation of a childlike mindset amidst the ghastly horrors abound.

The ideals being pursued so convoluted, he questions what it is he even seeks.  

Longing notions of amour digging at his pride like tiny splinters buried deep within the skin.

He talks about change as inevitable, his heart shuttering incredulously at the thought.

Brutal contest between a child and a man leaves behind a tattered and torn psyche.

The boy has claimed many victories in battle, the man positioning himself to win the war.

The crippling weakness subsides as the terms of surrender are delegated.

The man has won, but is still willing to give the boy one last chance at redemption.

Coexistence is ideal, although accomplishing such a task seeming a mere pipe dream.

Signing the mental treatise, the boy begins to vanish with a look of grave disdain.

The reflection in the mirror no longer that of a boy, but a man of confidence.

Moving out of the shadows, he is finally ready to take a stand.

No more side steps to avoid conflict, his eyes reflecting the change of heart.

Simultaneously breaking down the barriers while repairing bridges burned.

Born anew, he walks to the doorstep of his blossoming hopes of love once more.

Revoked

My heart sits, a hole punched through;
A dark grey ball falls to the floor.
Lifeless I sit and stare,
My body there, my mind elsewhere.

The light flickering in my eyes,
violent words begin to chastise.
Rebuke my new found confidence,
nothing now provides me solace.

The mind slowly freezes and condenses,
leaving no room left for emotion.
Thus the heart carves out of itself,
this ball of happiness and deep set devotion.

So I sit here and stare at this flickering screen,
wondering if I should just be content to dream.
Lips sealed shut, eyes sad and heavy;
my feeling revoked by a hefty levy.
I'll be on my way, with heart in hand.
Letting my legs take me where I'm allowed to stand. 

One Year Hence

Once upon a time, young and numb;
we found a love, a song unsung.
Our ignorance a happy bliss,
all bred from one awkward kiss.

I valiantly fought the power that be,
sadly far too kind to truly see.
The serpentine that crept beaneath,
enough to make any man grind his teeth.

At best, you've become a parasite;
your poison creeps, to slowly paralyze.
Your plan is quite clear now,
it's almost time for you to take a bow.

Year by year, you become more unraveled;
you look at me with eyes quite baffled. 
One can not help who they love,
and to you, ours one to be disposed of.

Only a matter of time till we run out of it;
your kiss now deeply corrodes my spirit. 
Young lovers broken by a stark reality,
finally separated by a simple formality. 

Now you run to a new man's arms,
not knowing how your disdain harms.
The blame placed solely upon my head,
leaving only feelings of awful dread.

It's been almost a year since that time,
and I've all but yet come into my prime.
No, there is no regret for times past;
for I've found peace with another at last.

If I were to tell that girl one simple thing,
it's that I no longer feel her sting.
The venom has ceased to course throughout;
I have nothing left about myself to doubt.

So, I hope you have found your happiness,
and that your life is void of past ghastliness.
I have broken the shackles that bound my heart,
and I look forward to making my new start. 

Today, Tears. Tomorrow, Happiness. Always, Love.

Lay down your head young one,
and forget the woes of today.
So Lay your head down young one,
and clear your heart of old decay.

Close your heavy eyes beautiful,
your memories not your foe now.
So close your heavy eyes beautiful,
for sleep will bring you one day closer.

Dream sweetly now my aching love,
for you will find my smiling face there.
So dream sweetly now my aching love,
so you do not see me fill with tears.

Breath deeply, keeper of my heart,
I will catch you as you fall to the ground.
So breath deeply, keeper of my heart,
and let reality slip away from your mind.

Wake up now sweetheart, it's a new day.
Let me show you your writing on my wall.
So wake up now sweetheart, it's a new day.
My arms are where you can now stay.

Smile that amazing smile of yours darling,
no one else wishes to strip you away.
So smile that amazing smile of yours darling,
because now we have a new life to imagine.

A Short Testimony to My Life.

We all have those nights; those nights we sit up and think about life and how things have happened up to this point. Those nights when we should be sleeping or working on something that should've been done a couple days ago. The mind can't help but wander though, can't help but drift to the things in life we truly worry about, but are so afraid of, we try to keep buried away. Now, I am not a man to profess regret for anything I've done, nor will I ever. What I will say though, is that I often become a mess over things that seem so simple. These "issues", so clear cut and dry, plague my mind like a thousand shouting voices, making it impossible to think, impossible to function, impossible to even breath. I sit alone, watching the time flicker by on my old LED alarm clock, one minute, two minutes, three. The clock keeps on ticking, just as my heart keeps beating, and my mind keeps clicking.

 My life, a culmination of hard work and poor decisions, has amounted to something of a distressful situation. No, I am not destitute, nor am I burdened by mental or physical disability. No, it's much more complicated than something as easily explainable as these. Have you ever gotten that feeling, that feeling when you look outside and think the world is out to get you? Like you have committed some heinous crime and it's only a matter of time until you are put out to dry? This is my constant state of fear, always wondering when the next date of my contempt will be set. I gaze out of my blinds, sneaky eyes constantly surveying the familiar surroundings. Oh! How I despise this place, this place of my confinement. No, it is not my place of residents that I loathe, but the state of mind within which I dwell. Like a paranoid schizophrenic, I quietly ponder what life's next play against me will be. Yet, I regret nothing and believe myself a strong man, hiding those awful thoughts away, walking that tight rope like I have learned so well to.

Thinking back to the past, I think about the love made and lost, the friendship cultivated and abandoned, and the happiness as it came and went.  What do I make of it? What can I make of it? As genuine of a person as I've always tried to be, the poison of others has always managed to work it's way in. I feel the venom as it courses through my veins, reminding me of every friend I was abandoned by, every person who took advantage of me, and most of all, everyone who has dangled love in my face and has broken my heart. No, I suppose I'm not like most men. I have feeling and I do care to express them. Does that make me any less of a man? I don't believe so. I bleed like you bleed, hurt like you hurt, and most of all, I'm just trying to find my place in this world, just like everyone else. I do believe that people's pasts will come back to haunt them, and maybe that is the case for myself as well. I am by no manner, a saint, nor do I try to act like I deserve any special treatment. In the same respect, I try to be a genuinely good person at every turn, and I feel like life scoffs at me about such things. Although, every once in a while, life rewards me for my overabundance of good deeds, even if it's only ever so slightly.

Surprises always confound me, for what I have no time to prepare for, I often get taken aback to the point of feeling disillusioned. Today, a figure walked up to me, something I dismissed as a mirage of sorts, thinking myself just too tired to to fully comprehend my surroundings. As I looked away and looked back again, the image of this now increasingly recognizable person started to run towards me, a giant smile upon their face. Did my eyes deceive me? Could I be dreaming? No, this.. this was real, as real as the surrounding sights and sounds I was all too accustom to. Instantly I jumped to my feet and greeted into my arms, someone I felt like I had not seen for many lifetimes. As much as I wanted to let loose a heavy flow of tears at that moment, I choked them all back, and settled for a meeting of our lips, something that seemed so natural, a perfect fit as it were. Then, questions proceeded to flow from my mouth like a never ending waterfall. Ever vigilant, my love just smiled and beckoned me to walk with her, take her to a quiet location where we could shut out the surrounding world. We did just this, and there we sat, like two people who had seen a ghost, but could not have been any happier. For a short time, life was conversed between many long needed expressions of love and compassion. The time ticked away though, all too fast, like it always does. Once again, we were on our feet, walking to the location where we would part ways. Choking back hard emotions once more, I said my goodbyes between long, passionate kisses. In one last, desperate embrace, I picked her up fully off the ground in my arms and kissed her as I dangled her in the air, wanting to never let go. Alas, I was made to go my own way after taking one last look into her eyes, my footsteps heavy, I slowly walked away, my legs felt like they were filled with iron. With hope instilled in my mind, I assured myself everything would be fine. For, I was always one to believe in love conquering all things, I had no doubt things would work out for the best.

So, I sit here and write my feelings about life and who I am. No, I'm not perfect and no, I'm not always ready to face what reality has to offer, yet I continue to push forward. Love is my guide and my soul pushes forward to greet the next day, come whatever may.

The Love of His Punching Bag

Beating the listlessness from his soul,
the heavy bag swings back and forth.
Blood spewed across it's broken hide;
the seams tearing with each mighty blow.

No protective wrap ever necessary,
he does not fight with prepared fists.
So the blood flows down the knuckles,
the sound of droplets hitting the ground.

No rage can be found in this contest;
only solace taken in this self invoked act.
Memories of the past break the heart,
while scarred fists strike blow after blow.

No, this contestant will never speak a word;
nor will it ever tire or turn tale.
The only unfaltering  friend ever had.
Most likely the only he will ever know. 

Tears do not fall in spite of feelings pent up.
Eyes begging for love, only to bring anger.
Oh! What has become of this man?
His bag and him, fighting to no real end.

His only outlet for the emotional pain,
the physical strain against this battered ally.
Thus he welcomes it with closed fists
and a heart of cold, forlorn disdain.

Only when he has beaten every emotion out,
and discharged all feelings of rage,
does he give his beaten friend a moment.
This moment in reality for the aggressor.

Thus, the bag hangs in desolate darkness,
in wait of the next session of sentimental brutality.
His wounds healed as temporarily as his heart.
His punching bag falling apart on the outside,
just as he is falling apart on the inside.
The crushing shadows consuming them both.

.