Trying to Find a Paradise While Looking Through the Lens of a Broken Heart

Have you ever gone for one of those walks at night, out in nowhere-ville suburbia, trying to find the answers to the questions of your life in the clear night sky? The universe seems so big, and you, so insignificant. Who are you to complain about loves lost and past regrets? Who are you at all? Do you belong here, and if so, someone, anyone, anything, let me know why.

Let me tell you something; this is my everyday reality. I'm no one special and am not as unique as I'd like to think I am. I like to think I'm different than everyone else, but through the harshness of time, maturity, and reality, I've found that I'm just trying to get through life with as few scars as possible, just like everyone else. We're all searching for our paradise, our garden, our Heaven, or place in the universe where we fit into the puzzle, just like we were meant to be there all along. This, for someone like me, is almost an unattainable goal, and I'll tell you why.

Have you ever been putting together a cardboard puzzle and found that a piece was bent, cut, broken, misshapen, etc..? That is how I feel constantly as I drift through each day, just trying to function enough to get by and give people the illusion that everything is going to be okay. I'll let you in on a little insider tip: nothing is okay, not one damn thing. Now Kyle, they say, you don't have it all that bad, look at all things you have in your life. To this, I will agree to, to an extent. I do have a good family, a good head on my shoulders, and a good circumstance school and work wise. The problem with all of this though, is that when you feel depressed and forsaken on a daily basis, it all falls to the way side. I'm sure I would be in some deep, dark hell if I didn't have the things that I do have, so don't get me wrong, I do appreciate all of it, and do my best to not let it go unnoticed. My question is, when will it stop being about sheer survival, and become about the pursuit of my own version of what I would consider happiness/paradise on this rock we live on?

Ahh, the morbidity of it all! Am I such a waste of space that I'm destined to live as this depressed shell of a man? I've learned full well that you cannot readily show these kind of emotions to most people, which is why I'm writing on here. I know most people could care less about the things I write in this blog, so I figured, why not pour out my overflowing emotions all over the keyboard.

Anyways, I've said more or less what I wanted to say. I know, none of this was probably interesting to read at all, but I felt like I was going to burst if I didn't do something. Maybe I'll get some inspiration to write something more entertaining later today.

Crazy World

Every moment of weakness comes with it's reasons. Every fault has it's source. Every problem has it's own hard found solution. When you just can't take anymore and when it becomes hard to breathe, the only thing you can do is remember it's a wild world. I'm young, but I've seen a lot of what this world can do to people, and  all I can say is take care of yourself. Life is far too short and far too precious to live in fear, anger, regret, sadness, or depression. I never want to see these people around me sad, and if I could, I would take it all away. Bare the burden on my heart and let everyone be the care free child they would love to be. I'll always keep those moments in my heart. Remember those precious times that make your heart sing, because when your heart splits in two, you'll have nothing left to continue to love except for you.  For those I've hurt, I'm sorry. For those I've made happy, I'm so glad I could be that person for you. For those I've helped recognize love, I hope you never lose it, because it's the most important thing in this world. So when you feel weak, and you cannot take another step, remember those times. The past is not something to regret but to cherish for the lessons it taught you. It's a crazy, fucked up world out there. Don't ever let it get the better of you.

No More Bullshit *Very Explicit*

So I'm writing today to say what the fuck? When the hell did trying to be a good person become a bad thing? I swear, the next person that tells me I'm either too nice or too much of an asshole, I'm going to fucking light on fire. Who is anybody to tell me who I am and what I am? Typically, I think I'm a pretty decent human being. I actually give a flying fuck about other people, and I know this is a big shocker to those of you out there just drifting through this world, but caring used to be important! Since when did going the extra mile for someone make you stupid? You know, it wouldn't be so bad if there was actually some kind of mixture of people out there, but I can't seem to find a God damn difference in 95% of people. Why in this day and age should nice guys have to finish last anymore? Why do women always choose the worst person possible for them and latch on to them like they are fucking gold? It makes no damn sense. There are so many people out there  that would actually give a flying fuck about you and actually love you, yet continually I see this same fucking pattern of ignorance in mating choice. It's time to evolve women, it's time to learn that in this day and age, the jock, and the muscle heads are outdated. I am the future, I am the kind of fucking guy women should be flocking to, I can provide anything, everything, and more. So don't fucking tell me how too damn nice I am, because I will not sit here and take this bullshit anymore. I'm Kyle, and if you don't like it, shove it up your self righteous assholes. Take me for who I am or take me for nothing at all. People tell me to grow the fuck up, well here's me telling you to fuck off, each and every single one of you that think I'm anything less than an amazing person. I am a great person and will not tolerate being told anything else anymore. So if you think I'm too nice, fuck off. If you think I'm an asshole, fuck off. But if you actually want to get to know me and what I'm actually about, I welcome you with open arms and a big heart. 

So there it is people. Obviously this is not targeted at everyone that might happen upon this. I just had to get this shit off my chest. Anyways, I feel better now. 

“The 'not-giving-a-fuck' meter is as far into the red-zone as ever before.”

Cheers mates (those I have after this anyways),


Kyle

Forgiving the Seeminlgy Unforgivable

Man, oh man. The past couple of weeks have been a crazy time in my life. So much has happened, I'm not quite sure I've even fully processed everything. I'm recently finding out the I am a codependent individual, and I had no idea what that even meant before it was explained to me. Ahh, the curve balls life throws at you. Co-dependence from what I've read and talked with others about has quite a bit to do with not necessarily having a problem with someone else, but letting someone's problems change you, warp you. I'm now beginning to understand that my relationship that recently ended a couple of weeks ago had much less to do with anything I did, and much more to do with what I had completely stopped doing for myself. I had substituted taking care of myself for taking care of someone else. I completely forfeited my life in order to try and cater to someone that not only could not be helped by me, but did not want to be helped by me. I just kept thinking to myself though, "oh, if I just try a little harder" or "tomorrow she will understand what I've been saying." Well, low and behold, that time never came, no matter how hard I tried. It was hard to admit to myself, but it wasn't me that had failed. It's wasn't me that had messed up. It wasn't me that broke the camels back. When I finally started accepting what happened was not my fault, I began to think about what had happened and why, but still did not exactly understand. Then I met someone who is an amazing person that opened my eyes to what the truth of the situation really was. I was codependent, because I was sacrificing my own life, my own health, and my own happiness for someone that was never getting any better. So, we both suffered, her because she is mentally unwell, and me because I was trying to hold everything together with no support structure. I hated myself. I wondered why I had no confidence, I wondered why I overate, I wondered why no matter what I did, every day seemed to get worse than the next. It's funny, I always used to look in the mirror and see a monster nobody could ever love, much less myself. Now I look in the mirror and see a person I'm proud of, a person who is capable of anything, a person that is going in the right direction and one day will be exactly where they want to be. I'm definitely anything but perfect, but it feels good to know that every day I learn to love myself more, I'm only bringing myself closer to being with someone that truly loves me. You get what you put out into the world, and I believe if you want to attract positive people in your life, you need to act positive. When I was a kid, I didn't do this and it landed me in a place that I can honestly say now I did not want to be. Luckily, I've learned a valuable lesson and have already begun moving on. I don't feel like a creep anymore just trying to get by. No more putting forth the bare minimum, no more excuses for why I shouldn't do something I enjoy, and certainly no more holding myself back from the people I care about out of some kind of misguided conception that they will reject me for saying or doing certain things. You have to love yourself before you can share that love with someone else, and it's an amazing feeling to see not only my self image improving, but my respect for who I am growing. I will no longer be codependent. I will rely on who I am to be happy, and one day, I know I'll find someone that wants to share that happiness with me in a beautiful, positive way. So, I've forgiven the past and more importantly, myself. In life, it's never about the problems you have, but in how you deal with them. Now is my time to deal with mine in the best way I can.

"Sometimes what you want isn't always what you get, but in the end what you get is so much better than what you wanted."

There you go people, that's my life as of late. Take it for what you will. I'm happy either way.

Kyle

Losing a Friend to Addiction

Ahh, it seems like it is time to write again. Lately there has been a lot going on in my life, or maybe more so for everyone else as I sit by watching it all implode. I often play counselor/therapist to many of the friends and acquaintances I accumulate over the years, but today I wanted to mull over someone close to me that is beginning to slip away. This is not all that new to me; as we all know, people come and people go. This person, although not known for the longest time, is quite the individual (or was at this point). He is considered a genius in most circles, and is very bright. He's street smart as well as book smart, and always has a plan for everything and everyone (but himself. Yes, that would be his one, true flaw. He sadly cannot take care of himself. He can not hold down a job, he can not sleep, he rarely eats half way properly, and more often than not, mixes different cocktails of drugs and alcohol to drown out his dreary existence. I understand how he feels, I really do. What I don't understand is the need to completely destroy one self in order to get that momentary relief. I'm no stranger to it, I've cut, drank, etc, etc... but never to the extent of completely dismantling my life and the lives of the people around me; the people that care for me and want to help me anyways. I've come close, I've brought things to the breaking point; but I've never gone as far as this. I guess drugs bring something different to the table though, something no one really understands unless they've been subjected to it as well. Drugs make you think different, act different, in general, become a completely different person. Don't confuse what I'm saying as the condemnation of all drugs though. Many have been shown to be good for you, mentally, spiritually, and physically. The drugs I'm speaking of are those evil, addictive, disgusting drugs that destroy people and turn them into less than nothing. Heroin, meth, crack, etc.. I've seen all of these drugs take a hold of people and destroy their, what was, relatively good existences, and turn them into gutter dwelling trash. The drug I'm currently dealing with is shiva, oh shiva. What could possibly be more addictive? I mean sure, statistically there are more addictive things such as nicotine and caffeine, (which I'm guilty of loving) but shiva can dismantle your life in half a year and turn you into a criminal, a liar, and sadly, a total loser. Who wants to do things with someone who can't talk, stand up, or even keep their eyes open? People on this drug slowly and inevitably kill themselves, and often times there is no coming back from it.

To the Brother I'm Losing:

You lie blatantly to people's faces in order to protect your "assets" when all you're really doing is destroying yourself and your relationships with everyone else around you.  I can't even talk to you like a rational person anymore because everything is irrational to you now. It's all about the drugs, it's all about your problems, it's all about you. Yet somehow, I find myself back at that doorstep, back with you in that apartment, hoping that something, that anything will turn things around for you. I just don't know how to help anymore, because there is no reasoning with an addict. There's not reasoning with someone that thinks they have things under control when they do not. There's no reasoning with someone that have given up everything just for that fleeting moment of happiness. You were my friend, my council, and my brother. I trusted you with everything, gave up so much to help you, to see that you were able to get yourself to a better tomorrow. Now the time, the compassion, the money, and the love are worthless. Worthless in the wake of this addiction destroying your mind and body like a tidal wave crashing down onto the shore.  It did not need to be this way, I really did think you had gotten a hold of yourself, you know, turned over a new leaf. I guess it was too good to be true though, that drug is obviously better than me. Better than the good times we've had, better than the talks we've had, and apparently better than the bond we shared.  So don't try to excuse yourself anymore, it's not necessary. I realize that it's not you anymore, but a sad shell of the man I once knew. I long to see the friend lost, but I dare not hold my breath. You have proven to me, that all you crave is sorrow and a very sad death.

“Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol, morphine or idealism.”

Well, doesn't that just put a depressing note on the day? I hope at very least that anyone that reads this will take with them that addiction is a terrible thing, and the best way to stop it, is to prevent it from happening in the first place.  

Shadow

YOUR ignorance is killing ME

I'm guessing you've probably heard the old saying, "ignorance is bliss" right? Most people sit around thinking, why would I want to be ignorant, that would make me stupid wouldn't it? Well you are probably stupid to begin with if you're having this conversation with yourself, but no, ignorance is not stupidity. You are not stupid for having a lack of knowledge, just uneducated. Here's the problem though; when one (lets say me in this case) wants to try and educate said ignorant person, nine times out of ten they will think that they know more than you. This is what makes you stupid. Here's a great example that occurred at work the other day (this actually got me fairly riled up). Some how or another, we got around to talking about oil, and how it wasn't going to be around forever. My co-workers were under the impression that when oil ran out, the world would be fine. WRONG! Life as we know it would collapse. Why? Because big oil is buying out all rights to anything being made as an alternative energy source. Now my co-workers were right to think that there are alternative energy sources being made or that are already made, but the problem is that it's not being put into production! So I repeatedly asked, what do you think will happen when oil runs out? Do you honestly think everything will be okay? I received varying answers, one being that we're sitting on so much oil that it won't matter in our life times. This I'm not so sure about, but just for the sake of argument I then asked, "what about your children?" A silence washed over this co-worker and I accepted it as his defeat. Sadly, a more annoying and even more ignorant co-worker (which I think is a very cool guy actually, just sadly uneducated) spoke up and kept on arguing that everything will be fine because there are alternatives. I then asked again, how will we put these alternatives into place after oil has run out? Are we magically going to be able to run our millions of cars, planes, or other forms of transportation to ship these materials? What about our way of life as it currently stands? What will we heat or houses with, light our stoves with, or simply keep the lights on with? Everything major in our nation and around the world runs off of oil, crude and natural. We won't be able to recover simply from a catastrophic event such as having no more oil just because there are alternative energy sources being found. They MUST be in place before we run out. Unfortunately my ignorant co-worker did not like this view and disregarded it as being a crazy conspiracy theorist (mainly for saying big oil buys patents and rights to alternative energy out). Luckily one co-worker was actually on my side which made the conversation a little more tolerable. This my friends, is why ignorance is bliss though. These people have fooled themselves into believing that everything will be okay because they are used to everything being done for them by someone else. I understand how they feel, I wish I could still feel the same way. Sadly, life just is not that easy for me anymore. The glass is not only half empty anymore, but someone came along and drank the rest up entirely. This is not to say there is no hope left, but please people, if not for anyone's sake but your own, pull your head out of your ass and find out what's going on around you. Who knows, you might just find that knowing about the world around you is important and interesting.


"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."
Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Just something for anyone out there reading this to chew on. This does happen to be my first blog post, so yay to me! Hopefully this reaches a few people that enjoy and appreciate it.

 Kyle (aka Shadow)